Sometimes… I feel like a ghost.

I can’t find the words to describe the exact emotions I’m feeling right now. The emotion is unknown, without a name or description. I just feel it, and nothing good comes to mind, especially when it embraces me so tightly.

It feels like my soul is being detached from my body. My whole system malfunctions, and now I’m operating in fight-or-flight mode. I can’t even assess if I’m happy or overwhelmed, sad or depressed, bored or tired. It’s as if I’m a ghost passing through walls, freely observing others while forgetting to observe myself. I forget how I look, my personality, and who I wanted to become… I just forget my whole existence.

And you know what’s sad about this? No one knows about these changes within me. No one dares to ask about the demons partying inside my head because I look fine, I look okay. I don’t have the courage to open up to my family, loved ones, or friends because I don’t want to burden them. Why would I share sad narratives with people trying to live peacefully? That would be unfair. So, I always choose to shut myself in the dark… and sometimes the dark looks so bright that I wear a mask to keep others from worrying about the dark cloud above my head. It’s okay for them to ignore my demons because I don’t feel like sharing my battles with them. I don’t want to be the cause of their distress. I don’t want to be the reason their demons awaken.

But I have to be honest that sometimes I feel sad and lonely. When I think about how the world will continue to spin on its orbit and the people around me will keep living their lives even if I quit or pause mine, there’s a devil whispering within me that I should cause chaos to be heard, to be seen, to remind others that I existed. I try to fight those thoughts because I know they won’t lead to anything good, but sometimes it’s just exhausting to keep battling when you don’t even know who or what you’re fighting against with.

Well, I just hope that better days are ahead soon, not just for me, but for those who also shares the same sentiments.